


boy that sure is one delicious looking picnic youve got yourself there eli

by pepperedmoth



Category: Villains Series - V. E. Schwab
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25234072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepperedmoth/pseuds/pepperedmoth
Summary: eli ever is on a picnic. but not just any old picnic. hes with someone special- his girlfriend leslie, who just happens to be an ant. little did eli know their romANTic afternoon would be interrupted in the most disastrous way possible....
Relationships: eli ever/leslie the ant
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	boy that sure is one delicious looking picnic youve got yourself there eli

The heat was hot. Eli was sweating all over, not just from the hot heat, but from nerves. Leslie sat opposite him on the picnic rug, though youd be forgiven for thinking he was alone. see, Leslie just so happens to be an ant. but not just any ant.

several weeks ago there was a dreadful tunnel collapse in her colony. there were many casualties that day. as her comrades were dragging out the dead from the pile of soil and earth and earthworms, they pulled out the lifeless body of poor Leslie. But it wasnt lifeless for long. suddenly she sprang back to life, and she had never felt better. a miraculous recovery.

life was nornal for leslie until a few days later when a mans shoe came into contact with her face. he clearly had not heard the 80s pop hit 'ant music' by adam & the ants or else he wouldve known this was a terrible terrible crime. anyway, leslie was completely flattened. or was she? no she wasnt. and that day Lesile discovered something: she could not die.

at some point after this eli ever met leslie in some way that im too tired to think of so youll just have to accept rhe fact that it happened. or get creative and think of your own explanation. ill give you some thinking time.  
thinking time:

got one? good.

anyway, they realised they were soulmates straight away. love at first sight. clearly meANT to be together. and here they were, on a sunny afternoon in junetember.

"oh leslie, you do make me laugh" eli laughed at a joke his beloved ant girlfriend had just told him that im too lazy to think of. he picked a crumb off the bread of his sandwich- cheese, lettuce, tomatoe, tesco own brand spaghetti hoops, egg- and gingerly passed it to her. her antennae twitched with excitement and arousal. she nibbled it gently, batting her nonexistent ant eyelashes at him. "ive never met anyone who understands me like you do, eli" she said quietly, because shes an ant.

eli was just about to reply when he was stopped by a shout. that voice. hed recognise that voice anywhere. his least favourite persom in the whole wide world, victor vale.

to be quite honest the two had given up trying to kill each other some ten years ago. victor was now too old and had too many back problems and was also pretty much completely bald now and it had taken all of the homoerotic fun out of it for eli so he couldnt be bothered now, and victor was just physically unable. so instead they just stuck to bothering each other in the most small and petty ways. and today victor had decided to ruin elis picnic.

victor did not know leslie was there when he came hobbling over with dol who was more alive than he was as sydney had recently revived him. "you thought you were going to have a nice picnic today, didnt you eli?" he shouted, still some distance away. he really should invest in a walking frame.

"eli, whos that?" leslie asked, now very nervous. "oh thats just my ex victor. ignore him" eli stood up, ready to tell the old man to piss off as soon as he came within his hearing range.

"piss off" said eli.  
"what?" said victor. damn. still not close enough.  
"piss off" eli said again when victor had finally got close enough  
"no" said victor. "not until you give me all your sandwiches"  
"no way old man. these are MY cheese-lettuce-tomato-spaghetti hoop-egg sandwiches. no way youre getting your wrinkly shaky old hands on them"  
"my favourite fillings... you are still so evil" victor scowled  
"please stop bothering me with your pathetic words cANT you see im on a date with my ant girlfriend leslie" eli snapped  
"no i cANT shes an ant and i have bad vision but refuse to wear glasses because they ruin my aesthetic" replied victor  
eli was tired of this now. "you have no aesthetic anymore. you lost it when you lost all your hair"  
"fuck you" said the old man.

victor unclipped dols lead and the big fluffy dog made his way over to the picnic blanked. victor expected dol to go for the food but instead... oh god. leslie!

eli was too slow to react. dol had taken poor sweet leslie up in his massive slobbery dog jaws and was well and truly pulverising her tiny ant body. CRUNCH went her antennae. CRUNCH went her compound eyes. CRUNCH went her thorax. CRUNCH went her legs. CRUNCH went her abdomen. the sound of the crunches were too much for eli. "LESLIEEE!!! LESLIEEEEEEEEE" he cried, quite upset. "let her go at once you horrible dog!"  
"hey dont talk about my dog like that" victor said  
"fuck off, you. hes chewing up my girlfriend good and proper." eli pointed an angry finger at the hound "now listen here you you drop her right this instANT"  
and dol, beinf a dog, did the exact opposite. down leslie went, slipping down his hot, wet, doggy oesophagus, right down into his stomach. "NOOOOOOOOO" cried eli

victor was laughing. this had well and truly made his day. "dont worry eli. she cANT die, remember? youll see her again soon"

eli looked up at the bald old man in horror.

victor laughed some more. "ill send you the bag as soon as its filled" he said, and began to hobble away, his head positively gleaming in the afternoon sun.


End file.
